It happened all of a sudden!!!

It happened all of a sudden. He showed up with that same smile and look in his eye, that look of knowing, familiarity, and love. I couldn't help but smile, because all the while I was trying to act so nonchalant. I was failing at this game and was beginning to get perturbed with myself as I saw that my will was running out of steam. Tears welled up in my eyes as he greeted me with the sweetness of a light kiss, a kiss that brushed ever so gently across my lips. His smell caught my nose, as the aroma of ginger, eucalyptus, and jasmin created an euphoric type of atmosphere. The Legend, as I call him, grabbed my hands and kissed each finger softly. "Hello sweet one," he said as he looked into the deepness of my soul. I turned my head and whispered a raspy, throaty, "Hey Legend." This has been a challenge for me. I have fallen in love with a man that has not officially made any commitment to me. Legend is a wonderful man in my book, he has all the qualities that any woman would want. He is tall, handsome, funny and smart. But the best thing about him is that he is in love with my Father. I have never met a man so honest and intelligent, a man that has a "real" relationship with God.

I am now looking at him from head to toe, as we ladies often do. I am thinking to myself, " this can't be the one Lord, can it?" Legend is talking about his challenges as a man in the business world and marketplace, and I can see the strength in his words and his convictions. I am mesmerized by his complexities and I am in love with the totality of his masculinity. How could this creation of the most High sit in my presence, and speak to my inner being, commanding it to rest and be still, to trust his words, and to see that everything would be good when God finally reveals His master plan. I was feeling some uneasiness while he spoke to me, his intensity was flaring up and his words were getting louder, as he pointed out that I was the one that He loved.

In my heart I wanted to believe this man. A man that has always shown me respect and adoration. A man that has sacrificed many hours of sleep and financial gain to be in my presence. I wanted to yell at him that he had no idea of the nights that I cried myself to sleep in a fit of confusion because of my friendship with him. I wanted to tell him that when the lights went out at the movie theatre I cried, I wept for my love for him, and I wept for permanency. He may never know all that I feel, but he knows for sure that something is there. He knows that each time he gets in his car headed for 65 northbound, he is headed for the right destination.

As I reflect back over my last encounter with him I am fully persuaded this time to allow time to be in my favor. I will not rush, push, or over-react to any situation or circumstance. I will not allow others to make decisions about my life and the people I choose to be a part of it. I will look to the hills which come my help because all my help comes from the Lord. I will not be ashamed of loving and giving to a man that loves and respects me. I will leave all my garbage outside where it belongs because it will stink up the place. I will look people in the eye and tell them that I will wait patiently and will walk and not faint. Time is the revealer of all things whether good or bad, and time is also the hardest thing to give. I remember that night in the movie theatre and I begin to smile really hard because as I wept in darkness and silence, he held my hand even tighter. I knew he couldn't hear me and I knew he couldn't see me, but he understood any way. His touch was affirming and very much needed. All I can say as I close today, is that my love for Legend is real and to everyone that wants to know...... it happened all of a sudden!!!

Will it ever change?

I heard him say it... The words propelled me in a time warp. My heart began to beat very fast and I had to sit on the edge of my bed because my knees were trembling. Can this be true? Did he say what I thought he said? The words "I love you" rang in my ears so loudly that I had to turn the television down. I wanted him to repeat the words so I would not think that I was hallucinating. "Please repeat them," I prayed silently, so that I will know that this moment was real. He said them again and my life has forever changed. I am trapped in a web that I have created for myself because of doubt, fear, and insecurity. I thought I had this thing down packed. In my own imagination I saw myself capable of loving, nurturing, and encouraging the man in my life, the man that God would send me. I would take his hand in mine, and look him in the eyes and tell him how much I loved him and how I appreciated all that he has sacrificed for our family. I would look at him with all the love I could muster up and touch him in ways that only a husband and wife should share. I would be his confidant, his encourager, his greatest advocate. Who was I fooling. The fantasy of it all was great, and imagination was easier to deal with, if it did not work out the way I intended, I could always change the ending.

I knew he was waiting for a response and after a brief silence which seemed like an eternity, I finally responded. I love you too. Ever so gently he stated, "you do, J." I froze up and my mind began to race, what have I just said? Why did I say that and what do I do now? I was so afraid of being hurt again in love. I was afraid to take the chance, to take the risk, to be vulnerable. I looked up the word vulnerable and was of course stricken by what I read....To be unprotected, attackable, exposed, a sitting duck. All I could do was laugh as my co-worker asked was my picture in the margin. I began to see that in order to be the woman that God has created me to be that I would have to become the very person that I did not want to be: A vulnerable woman. If I was to achieve what the Lord has promised that I could achieve I would have to become exposed, sensitive, and without protection. I realized that the walls that I had created to protect myself from hurt, harm and danger are the very things that the Lord was requiring that I remove and trust Him. I keep hearing the words rest in Him and rest in His love.

So as I take heed to the calling of the Lord, to rest and trust Him, I am walking in the exposure of the elements. I am covered by the Lord, so to be vulnerable is not going to hurt as badly as it would if there hadn't been any bloodshed. I thank God for the Blood of Jesus that protects, heals, covers, and brings power to any situation. I can not help those feelings of vulnerability when taking the risk of stepping out of a comfort zone and a world of complacency, but this time I am stepping with the knowledge that my Father has His arms stretched wide to catch me if I fall. That feeling of security is well worth any risk. So I asked the question, "will it ever change," my answer is Yes if you will allow Him to change you. Love is a requirement for all people and on this day I have decided to allow my love to be shared by any who want it.