Will it ever change?

I heard him say it... The words propelled me in a time warp. My heart began to beat very fast and I had to sit on the edge of my bed because my knees were trembling. Can this be true? Did he say what I thought he said? The words "I love you" rang in my ears so loudly that I had to turn the television down. I wanted him to repeat the words so I would not think that I was hallucinating. "Please repeat them," I prayed silently, so that I will know that this moment was real. He said them again and my life has forever changed. I am trapped in a web that I have created for myself because of doubt, fear, and insecurity. I thought I had this thing down packed. In my own imagination I saw myself capable of loving, nurturing, and encouraging the man in my life, the man that God would send me. I would take his hand in mine, and look him in the eyes and tell him how much I loved him and how I appreciated all that he has sacrificed for our family. I would look at him with all the love I could muster up and touch him in ways that only a husband and wife should share. I would be his confidant, his encourager, his greatest advocate. Who was I fooling. The fantasy of it all was great, and imagination was easier to deal with, if it did not work out the way I intended, I could always change the ending.

I knew he was waiting for a response and after a brief silence which seemed like an eternity, I finally responded. I love you too. Ever so gently he stated, "you do, J." I froze up and my mind began to race, what have I just said? Why did I say that and what do I do now? I was so afraid of being hurt again in love. I was afraid to take the chance, to take the risk, to be vulnerable. I looked up the word vulnerable and was of course stricken by what I read....To be unprotected, attackable, exposed, a sitting duck. All I could do was laugh as my co-worker asked was my picture in the margin. I began to see that in order to be the woman that God has created me to be that I would have to become the very person that I did not want to be: A vulnerable woman. If I was to achieve what the Lord has promised that I could achieve I would have to become exposed, sensitive, and without protection. I realized that the walls that I had created to protect myself from hurt, harm and danger are the very things that the Lord was requiring that I remove and trust Him. I keep hearing the words rest in Him and rest in His love.

So as I take heed to the calling of the Lord, to rest and trust Him, I am walking in the exposure of the elements. I am covered by the Lord, so to be vulnerable is not going to hurt as badly as it would if there hadn't been any bloodshed. I thank God for the Blood of Jesus that protects, heals, covers, and brings power to any situation. I can not help those feelings of vulnerability when taking the risk of stepping out of a comfort zone and a world of complacency, but this time I am stepping with the knowledge that my Father has His arms stretched wide to catch me if I fall. That feeling of security is well worth any risk. So I asked the question, "will it ever change," my answer is Yes if you will allow Him to change you. Love is a requirement for all people and on this day I have decided to allow my love to be shared by any who want it.