A sample of my new novel.....

Jiarie sat up in the bed, looked at the clock in the armoire and groaned, “It’s only 5:30 AM,” what the heck am I up for? She realized that her sleeping pattern was getting shorter and shorter due to those complicated dreams she had begun to experience over the last few months. She lay in the bed and fumbled around for the remote. It is Sunday morning and I know I should be excited about going to the Praise & Worship service today, she thought to herself, but she knew that deep inside she had other matters to contend with on this day.

Jiarie waited until 6:45 to call him. She dialed the number and it seemed to ring for an eternity, no answer on the home phone and no answer on the cell phone. Jiarie’s heart sank a little.

She knew that an apology for her behavior the previous night was the only way to restore all that she had built with this man, and she felt the urge to humble herself and allow the words to just flow out, but that would cost more than she was willing to give of herself. “I know he hasn't left for service already,” she spoke out loud even startling herself. She allowed the phone to drop on the soft folds of her Italian bedding. She looked around at her surroundings as she turned on the Tiffany lamp on her nightstand and sighed heavily, this time she may have blown it with Legend for sure.

Legend did not smile as he looked at the caller ID on the telephone. The ringing of the telephone, this early, shook him out of a deep sleep. He groaned, as he looked over at the clock on the nightstand. He was late for the musicians sound-check, and, praise and worship. He looked back at the telephone and then saw the light blinking on his cell. As he grabbed for his cell phone, a sharp pain shot up his neck, and he moaned quietly. He had fallen asleep in Jiarie’s Jacuzzi the night before and was now paying for the awkward positioning of his 6’5” frame in that small hot tub.

As he looked at his cell phone for missed calls, he noticed that she had called at 6:45 AM, her normal Sunday morning routine call, but nothing about this day was routine. I wonder what she wanted to say today he thought. Last night should have been more than enough. He contemplated calling her back but gave up that idea after rehashing in his mind the harsh and inconsiderate things that she said.

He thought back on her beauty and her sexy way of flirting with him without allowing him to lose his stand on sanctification and abstinence. He was for sure that she was the woman that God had sent him, the woman that he had prayed about all his Christian life. But now he was unsure, and, doubt and distrust seemed to impede his thoughts. Legend thought to himself, I will call her in a few days he declared, talking to her right now wouldn't change what she said and it won’t change my feelings this morning.

He walked over to the adjoining master bath suite and looked at himself in the mirror. He spoke aloud to the image of himself, “ Legend Christopher Marx, you are the man that God says you are, you can have what He says you can have, you can be who He says you can be, you are a Mighty Man of God, and you have the Hand and Favor of God upon you.” He examined himself a little closer and smiled at the reflection in the mirror, “Legend Christopher Marx, you are a bad dude.” He laughed at his last remark and thought quickly of something that Jiarie had said. It took him a moment to shake off the negative vibe he received from remembering her attitude and disrespect of his manhood.

He said a quick prayer and jumped in the shower; if he hurried he could still make second service.

The Church was rocking with praise when he arrived and he let his eyes scan the crowd looking for that familiar face. He grimaced when he didn't see her sitting in her usual place in the sanctuary, "I guess she was here for first service," he thought.

As he made his way to the musician’s area and took his seat behind the drums, he had a quick sensation that seemed to always accompany him when he took this seat; it was a warm feeling that enveloped him. Legend knew that it was his calling to play the drums and saxophone. He remembered how he had spent countless hours beating the drums throughout his boyhood and how his mother had made his father put them in the family garage because she said he was too loud.

As he began to play the song that they rehearsed earlier in the week, he was aware of the Spirit of God even the more. It seemed as if the moment he got into place God would meet Him in this spot. It was difficult for Legend to explain this sensation and when He tried to describe it to others, they just laughed it off and said it was "just the anointing". Legend knew he was anointed and gifted, set apart for the Masters use, but what he was feeling was more than that, it was as if God, the Father himself, had taken over his playing and Legend, the son, was standing back looking.

Another peep into my novel....

Shayla wondered as the plane departed if this would be her last encounter with Raynard. After meeting Raynard online and talking to him for several months, Shayla was surprised when he told her that he wanted to fly to DC to meet her. Although she liked Ray a lot, she was reluctant to meet with him in person. When she arrived at the airport, she looked for the man that described himself as the “tall black wonder”, but, at the Regan Airport, there were so many chocolate good-looking brothers, that she had a hard time locating him. She had an idea what he looked like from the picture that he emailed her but it was not the greatest copy, so she waited at the gate near the baggage claim.

Shayla was an attractive petite woman with amber colored eyes and a cute button nose. Many had described her as “perky” which was a term she had began to find repulsive and on a few occasions she was down right offended. Shayla was often compared to the morning news anchor, Katie Couric, and even though she admired Katie’s work, she did not want to be compared to her in any way.

While Shayla had spent countless hours trying to figure out what she would wear to the airport on this day, she still found herself in the restroom checking her make-up and hair. She opted for a pair of form fitting jeans by Cavalli, and a multicolored wrap around shirt that tied in the back showing off the roundness in her jeans. She was 5’2 so she wore a pair of 3 ½ inch pointed toe pumps and paired them with her famous dolce and gabbana big glasses. “ I look good,” she said to her reflection, as she added a light touch of gloss and headed for the area once again to look for this mysterious man that she had been chatting with and could not wait to see. Shayla was curious about this man. She wanted to know why on earth would such a funny, generous, caring, good-looking man, need to find a woman online? She was also curious to see if after talking to him for four months, would he really be all that he claimed to be.

Meanwhile, Raynard was on the plane thinking to himself. what am I doing on this plane. He knew that when he stepped off this plane and laid eyes on the woman he had been sharing his life with for the last four months that all things would change. He was frightened by his loyalty and overbearing-ness to her. He did not even know where all these emotions came from. While many women had been in his life, he never acted or felt like this before. He was intrigued by Shayla, and allowed his mind to float back to his initial encounters with her online. She was “Pecheez&Crme” in the 40’s chat room and he would sign in just to see if she was online and then watch her every font. He was amazed by her quick wit and her easy way of chatting with everyone. She could always diffuse a chat room fight; he chuckled to himself remembering those first things about Shayla.

He tried to comfort himself by drinking a few glasses of wine. The words of his best friend, Legend, sounded in his spirit, “Be Careful Ray Ray, everything that shines like gold ain’t of God.” Legend was always the cautious one of the group, maybe because he was the “church boy”, as all of his friends affectionately called him. Legend’s reasoning was valid, in this day and era everyone had to be careful. The dating scene had become one big boring drag for Ray, however, he managed to shake off the sadness and emptiness that suddenly seemed to overwhelm him since the day Simone left. Ray’s life seemed to be moving in slow motion, that is, until Shayla came along.

BREAK

Shayla looked around as people greeted family and loved ones who exited the plane. She was a bit nervous because she had just received a text message from Ray stating he was about to walk off the plane, and apologized for the flight delay. Shayla stood looking out the window of the airport waiting anxiously to hear a familiar voice. She turned just as he was approaching her. She took a quick breath in and exhaled really slowly like she was taught in her scuba diving class. This man was so fine, she quickly thought. He already had his arms extended. She had to reach up to hug him and his smell quickly filled her nose. He felt so familiar, so comfortable to her; she blushed as she quickly released her arms from around his neck.

Ray saw her from a distance and knew it was her by that bad body he saw. Her jeans were poured on her like hot maple syrup on a stack of pancakes. He watched her as she looked out the window, tilting her head back and forth, licking her lips. He could hardly stand to watch her anymore. Her compact athletic body mesmerized him. He had imagined that she would be a short woman and from her description of herself he had allowed his mind to run wild. She had not sent him a picture even after he begged on several occasions. She would say, “ I am confident that you will be more than pleased with me.” That had bothered him at first because the net was notorious for people posting pictures of someone other than themselves, and, when you did finally get the chance to meet them face to face, the person sitting across from you would be someone you never even knew existed.
“Wow, you are beautiful Shayla, I have waited for this day for four months”, said Ray, in a low voice in her ear.
“Thanks Ray, you are a good looking man yourself, suga. And I have waited for it too. What took us so long?” she asked smiling. Ray knew she was flirting and he continued to gaze at her.
She saw his gaze and wanted to kiss those lips so bad but curbed her urge by pointing to the artwork display across the room. “Ray lets walk over to the Art Show and then have a cup of coffee,” Shayla said.
Ray thought quickly because what he really wanted to do was leave the airport altogether and find a nice quiet quaint place to chill with this fine piece of woman. So, Ray said, “Are you open for change Shayla? I have a better idea in mind.”
Shayla liked a man that had a plan. “Yes, I am open for change, what’s the plan love?”
Ray whispered it into her ear. She giggled and then shook her head yes, she was down for that too.

They headed to the door of the airport holding hands. Ray was excited and could feel her excitement brewing. He thought to himself that DC might be his get-away summer spot for this year. He was humming a tune as she sped down the turnpike headed for the city. He liked that she had some neo soul music playing and that the mustang was fast and clean. He liked this girl and was planning on letting nothing ruin his summer fun.

FINAL WORDS FOR 2006

A reflective look back into time:

As I sit and reflect over my life in 2006, I am compelled to take a deeper plunge into the abyss of my soul. I look back and wonder who this person really is, I call into my inner-man, and I say, "Hey, didn’t you know from the beginning of time that I would fail you in so many ways?" I wait for an answer, I wait, and I wait, and I wait. No answer seems to resonate in my spirit. So I continue with the days that go by, wondering if purpose, passion, love, understanding, bitterness, misconceptions, doubt, loneliness, lack of self-control, manipulation, arrogance, pride, happiness, forgiveness, unforgiveness, strife, fury, rage, wrath, compassion, lies, deceit, are staples of everyone's emotional state of being.... or just mine? I take a look in the mirror, I stare into eyes that, as the old saying goes, are the window of my soul, and I can't see anything but the jade green eyeliner, and the dark brown mascara that has begun to clump in places, so I say to myself, "Maybe, I need to look in my make-up magnifying mirror, cause it reveals everything, even those few hairs that seem to pop up on my chin every once in a while." I pull the mirror closer, I sit up a little straighter, I look directly in it and say, " Mirror, Mirror, on the vanity tell me who I am? And what is my destiny?" I get no response, so I look closer this time, my nose touching the reflection in the mirror, and once again I say, "Mirror, Mirror on the vanity tell me who I am? And what is my destiny?" Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zero. I begin to laugh; I mean not just a chuckle or a giggle, not just a keekee or a heehee.... I mean a big rolling on the floor, belly over, guffaw, snorting, kicking your feet in the air laugh. Once I get over how ridiculous and new agey my behavior seems, I lie on that floor in my bathroom and begin to sob.... I am so blessed I remind myself, and no matter what ranges my emotions take on any given day, including Sunday, I know that I am Created in the Image and Likeness of a Heavenly Father that shows and endows me in Unconditional Love. I have, on so many occasions, failed in my walk as a Christian according to the mandates of His Word, and knowing me, the way I know myself, I will probably repeat this over and over as I sojourn and seek His face. For traveling the road to destiny is not an easy trek, it can be filled with tricks, snares, traps, and evil, for this is the wide broad road and many can fit on it with you, but if you take your time to create, plan, seek, pray, and release fear, you will find a pathway that only few have traveled and reached their full potential.... this is the narrow road. It will take courage, strength, tenacity, endurance, perseverance and it will not necessarily be a trip to write home about in the beginning, but trust me if you stay focused on the prize, which is the High Calling in Christ Jesus, you will be able to drink from a fountain that will keep you from thirsting for anything that is not destined to be yours, ever again. You will have obtained that High Place and you will be fulfilled like you could never imagine. So I challenge you, and myself, to take a look back at the past year, and ask yourself a few questions, " Did you make it to that place you wanted to reach in 2006? Did you lack the discipline and motivation to achieve that place?" If you didn't make it, "Did you even take the time to fashion a goal, dream, or plan for 2006?" If you answered "No" to any of these questions, then chalk up as a learning experience, don't be plagued by guilt and condemnation, and make a pact with yourself to do better in the year, of completion, the year of perfection, the year 2007. As this year comes to an end, and the new one swiftly approaches, I am awakened with new possibilities, goals, dreams, and I can feel an excitement rising up deep within me and at times, it even calls to me, whispering, " It's a new season, it's a new day, Dream big in such a way, that only God can hear you and make it plain." I am giggling now, at my ability to laugh at myself, love myself, honor myself, and trust myself. My friends, I hope that you will also discover that you were all created for Greatness, no matter what others say or have said, no matter where you are today in your walk with the Lord, or whether you have not explored a relationship with Him at all, Just remember to be good to yourself and others, and God will always be in the middle of that...For He is Love. I want to close with my theme: 2006's theme for my life is "To Thine Own Self Be True" words that I didn’t always live by, but made an attempt to do exactly that in 2006 and for all the years to come. I have finally penned my theme for 2007...."Do not go where you are Tolerated, But go where you are Celebrated” I refuse in this year to allow others to dishonor me with any negative or pessimistic outlooks. I will, as you will, Not Be Defeated... Trust your inner-man.... He is all Knowing and all Consuming....

It happened all of a sudden!!!

It happened all of a sudden. He showed up with that same smile and look in his eye, that look of knowing, familiarity, and love. I couldn't help but smile, because all the while I was trying to act so nonchalant. I was failing at this game and was beginning to get perturbed with myself as I saw that my will was running out of steam. Tears welled up in my eyes as he greeted me with the sweetness of a light kiss, a kiss that brushed ever so gently across my lips. His smell caught my nose, as the aroma of ginger, eucalyptus, and jasmin created an euphoric type of atmosphere. The Legend, as I call him, grabbed my hands and kissed each finger softly. "Hello sweet one," he said as he looked into the deepness of my soul. I turned my head and whispered a raspy, throaty, "Hey Legend." This has been a challenge for me. I have fallen in love with a man that has not officially made any commitment to me. Legend is a wonderful man in my book, he has all the qualities that any woman would want. He is tall, handsome, funny and smart. But the best thing about him is that he is in love with my Father. I have never met a man so honest and intelligent, a man that has a "real" relationship with God.

I am now looking at him from head to toe, as we ladies often do. I am thinking to myself, " this can't be the one Lord, can it?" Legend is talking about his challenges as a man in the business world and marketplace, and I can see the strength in his words and his convictions. I am mesmerized by his complexities and I am in love with the totality of his masculinity. How could this creation of the most High sit in my presence, and speak to my inner being, commanding it to rest and be still, to trust his words, and to see that everything would be good when God finally reveals His master plan. I was feeling some uneasiness while he spoke to me, his intensity was flaring up and his words were getting louder, as he pointed out that I was the one that He loved.

In my heart I wanted to believe this man. A man that has always shown me respect and adoration. A man that has sacrificed many hours of sleep and financial gain to be in my presence. I wanted to yell at him that he had no idea of the nights that I cried myself to sleep in a fit of confusion because of my friendship with him. I wanted to tell him that when the lights went out at the movie theatre I cried, I wept for my love for him, and I wept for permanency. He may never know all that I feel, but he knows for sure that something is there. He knows that each time he gets in his car headed for 65 northbound, he is headed for the right destination.

As I reflect back over my last encounter with him I am fully persuaded this time to allow time to be in my favor. I will not rush, push, or over-react to any situation or circumstance. I will not allow others to make decisions about my life and the people I choose to be a part of it. I will look to the hills which come my help because all my help comes from the Lord. I will not be ashamed of loving and giving to a man that loves and respects me. I will leave all my garbage outside where it belongs because it will stink up the place. I will look people in the eye and tell them that I will wait patiently and will walk and not faint. Time is the revealer of all things whether good or bad, and time is also the hardest thing to give. I remember that night in the movie theatre and I begin to smile really hard because as I wept in darkness and silence, he held my hand even tighter. I knew he couldn't hear me and I knew he couldn't see me, but he understood any way. His touch was affirming and very much needed. All I can say as I close today, is that my love for Legend is real and to everyone that wants to know...... it happened all of a sudden!!!

Will it ever change?

I heard him say it... The words propelled me in a time warp. My heart began to beat very fast and I had to sit on the edge of my bed because my knees were trembling. Can this be true? Did he say what I thought he said? The words "I love you" rang in my ears so loudly that I had to turn the television down. I wanted him to repeat the words so I would not think that I was hallucinating. "Please repeat them," I prayed silently, so that I will know that this moment was real. He said them again and my life has forever changed. I am trapped in a web that I have created for myself because of doubt, fear, and insecurity. I thought I had this thing down packed. In my own imagination I saw myself capable of loving, nurturing, and encouraging the man in my life, the man that God would send me. I would take his hand in mine, and look him in the eyes and tell him how much I loved him and how I appreciated all that he has sacrificed for our family. I would look at him with all the love I could muster up and touch him in ways that only a husband and wife should share. I would be his confidant, his encourager, his greatest advocate. Who was I fooling. The fantasy of it all was great, and imagination was easier to deal with, if it did not work out the way I intended, I could always change the ending.

I knew he was waiting for a response and after a brief silence which seemed like an eternity, I finally responded. I love you too. Ever so gently he stated, "you do, J." I froze up and my mind began to race, what have I just said? Why did I say that and what do I do now? I was so afraid of being hurt again in love. I was afraid to take the chance, to take the risk, to be vulnerable. I looked up the word vulnerable and was of course stricken by what I read....To be unprotected, attackable, exposed, a sitting duck. All I could do was laugh as my co-worker asked was my picture in the margin. I began to see that in order to be the woman that God has created me to be that I would have to become the very person that I did not want to be: A vulnerable woman. If I was to achieve what the Lord has promised that I could achieve I would have to become exposed, sensitive, and without protection. I realized that the walls that I had created to protect myself from hurt, harm and danger are the very things that the Lord was requiring that I remove and trust Him. I keep hearing the words rest in Him and rest in His love.

So as I take heed to the calling of the Lord, to rest and trust Him, I am walking in the exposure of the elements. I am covered by the Lord, so to be vulnerable is not going to hurt as badly as it would if there hadn't been any bloodshed. I thank God for the Blood of Jesus that protects, heals, covers, and brings power to any situation. I can not help those feelings of vulnerability when taking the risk of stepping out of a comfort zone and a world of complacency, but this time I am stepping with the knowledge that my Father has His arms stretched wide to catch me if I fall. That feeling of security is well worth any risk. So I asked the question, "will it ever change," my answer is Yes if you will allow Him to change you. Love is a requirement for all people and on this day I have decided to allow my love to be shared by any who want it.

Lasting Impressions.......

As I sit here sipping coffee, taking a relaxation break from the to-do-lists, cooking, sweeping and mopping, I am reminded that tomorrow is a day of Thanksgiving. I am also reminded that all blessings come from above and it is a privilege to partake in this day of thanks. While shopping, cleaning, cooking, and socializing, we can't forget that others around the world are not so fortunate. I am very thankful, on this day especially, because on last night, while visiting my aunt, she blessed me with my deceased grandmothers fine china. I almost cried as I held the delicate dishes with the dainty pattern of wheat scrolling throughout them in my hands. I was overwhelmed by this act of kindness because I missed my grandmother so much and during holidays those memories of her seem to intensify her absence.

I can remember my grandmother allowing me to assist her with setting the table with those precious plates, and saying to me "be careful love" and "don't chip the plates or cups by clanging them together love", that was her pet name for me and I was always so very careful because I counted it a honor to touch them. As I look at the plates, saucers, bowls, cups, servers, and dessert dishes, I see the wear and tear and the pattern is slightly faded from many years of usage, but those dishes bring back memories of my grandmother, aunt, and mother in the kitchen cooking and laughing, while my cousins and I sat around trying to figure out what adults found so funny. I was always the one that liked to sit and watch the adults and even when they would run me off, I would linger outside the door, not wanting to be far from them.

I am now a grown woman that has children of my own, and as I stir around in my very own kitchen laughing with other relatives and friends, I am still reminded of those times when I was a child. I will set my table tonight with my grandmothers fine china, and as I place every plate in its place, I will remember not to clang them together and not drop them because they are delicate and dainty. I will remind my sons that the plates are a hidden treasure, as they ask me, "why are you crying Momma." I will tell them that on this day those dishes have made a lasting impression.

Can I ever get past this....YES!

I was having a great day today and then I heard the words that made my head jerk back, "How did you lose that weight?". I thought quickly to myself, what weight was this lady referring too? Could it be that she had snuck her way into the back of my closet over the last few months and heard my crying and praying, to my Lord, that I needed and desired to be whole and complete? Or was it the way she said it with a knowing eye, that I must have been pushing back the plate on occasion because the caboose was getting loose. Well whatever the reason, I felt that same nagging in my mind, that once again I have been exposed to the wiles and tricks of some evil force, that wills some control over my emotions. The first thought was why can't people just mind their own business and the other thought was, will I ever measure up to someone else's twisted imagination of who I am.

I am glad that as I was contemplating what to do or say, my cell phone rang and on the other end was a voice so soothing and familiar. That voice was filled with joy and anticipation as the new question of the day filled my ravishing thoughts, "Hello and how is your day going?" I wanted to jump for joy as my mind began to celebrate the perfect timing of my new found friend, as he came to my rescue unknowingly. I was now excused from the cares of this situation by a simple act of kindness. After my conversation with my trusted friend, I began to ponder on how a person's emotions can be so heightened by one word of discontentment. I realized at that very moment that if my emotions were on high like that everyday, then how could I rationally differentiate between fact and fabrication? The Truth finally appeared and began to challenge me in a way that shed light onto this eventful day. The Truth revealed that I must stand and look that evil thing in its face and say with all authority, " I have let go of the baggage of yesterday, the weight and heaviness of my past, and I am now light and free of man's opinion of me." If they do not like it, Oh well..... I LOVE IT!